I may not be on here too much for a bit
As I’d mentioned in earlier posts, something is seriously wrong with my two-year-old MacBook. I just went through a pretty insane bunch of rigamarole just to finish a 650-word piece, one of which involved me stupidly transcribing from my digital recorder into a Word document, because my recorder wouldn’t work with this other computer from which I type this, and then I wasn’t able to save the document, nor could I cut and paste into an email, so I had to sit there and retype the transcription into Google Documents, which fortunately I was able to access on this other computer. Fortunately, I didn’t freak out or lose my cool or get all pissed off, which meant that I was able to keep moving forward doggedly until I finished.
This is progress. Progress is good.
I have a friend who told me, be positive. Don’t post any of this negative stuff on your blog or on your Facebook page, she said, because people read it and go, well, there he goes again. And while currently I am frustrated — that I’m still not working, that I don’t have a real place I can call home, that I’ve had to give up a lot of things, and that I’ve experienced real hardship this past year, I probably should frame that by pointing out how grateful I am, at depth, that I’ve had people who cared for me and helped me out, and I’m grateful that every day is a new day and a fresh shot at things getting better. Sometimes it feels like I’m just spinning my wheels in a ditch, but sometimes there are moments of progress.
I’ll take those, for what they’re worth.
So here I sit, having to let go of the hope that I could have used this past week to record demo versions in GarageBand of the 14 songs I wrote last month for February Album Writing Month, because my hard drive is toast. I think they’re pretty good songs. And I guess if they’re that good, I guess I can wait to record them until I get a replacement drive from the manufacturer, and in the meantime I can practice them and get inside them to make them breathe better and find their nuances and change and shape them and work out groovy little parts. Which is, in a way, making sweet lemonade from sour lemons, as the old cliche goes.
Okay, so here are a few wishes and hopes, since I have no idea how soon it will be that I return to this space, and because I’m coming up on what astrologers call a solar return, two weeks from now — for the non-astrologically inclined of you, an alternative term is “birthday” — perhaps it might be good to frame a few aspirations. First, I really want to be self-supporting by my own contributions. I need and want a job, a steady job, so that I can pay back the people who generously helped me and make other financial amends, and help out my adult daughter who’s about to graduate from college, and then get a place, however small, that I can call my own. And second, I want to make some real headway on a few creative projects I have in the works. Finding a measure of stability so I can do that is important. I’ve lived like a refugee for too long now, and I don’t care to do it much longer if that can be helped. Having a personal center spot where I can get good rest, and eat reasonably well, and create, is really important to me.
There are other things I wouldn’t mind having in my life, but I can most likely live without, at least for a while. I had to give up my car to a bank that took a $25 billion bailout from the taxpayers, so right now I’m riding a bike. I love cars, as you may be able to figure out from all the car ads I post here. Especially vintage European cars. I think when I’m back in the swing of things, I’d like to find a Volvo Amazon or PV 544 and fix it up, but that can wait. The other thing I miss is having, well, a consistent feminine presence in my life in the form of a partner, but that’s something that, while desirable, isn’t absolutely imperative. What’s important is to find within my own self those things I think I need from someone else (and, um, I’m talking in the psychological sense, not the physical), and to a large degree I’ve been able to do that — find my center, rest in it, accept who and what I am at this particular point in time. Chalk that up to daily prayer, meditation and recovery work. Or something. Heck whiz and gosh darn, I don’t know.
At any rate, goodbye for now. I hope to be back sooner rather than later. —Jackson Griffith