The Random Griffith

Uh, Meg Whitman?

Posted in Uncategorized by Jackson Griffith on 18/03/2010

All right. Somebody please let me in on the punch line, because this particular piece of performance art, I’m just not getting. Perhaps it’s beyond my ken, something so arcane and sophisticated that a mere rube such as myself cannot grasp the finer points.

Meg Whitman, former CEO of eBay, is running for Governor of California.

Okay. We’ve just had five or so years of Arnold Schwarzenegger stinking up the state Capitol with his cigars, so what behooves the Republican Party to foist another candidate so riotously inappropriate for the governor’s chair? Anyone who’s spent longer than five minutes in this state lately, and especially in and around Sacramento, knows that clowntime is over, and somebody’s got to clean up the mess.

Of course, Whitman thinks she’s the person for the job. That “let’s run government like a business” meme, however, has been proven by American history to be right up there with “let’s cut taxes and start a war,” in terms of sheer stupidity. Run government like a business? You mean give all the top muckety-mucks big bonuses, lay off a bunch of the peons, close Fresno, Tulare and Kern counties and move the surviving executives to Modesto, and then — when the whole mess goes really sideways — go to the federal government for a bailout, and maybe work out some kind of merger with Renault or Fiat or, god forbid, Toyota?

Governments are meant to be run like governments, not businesses. Even an unemployed mook like me can see that. They’re different animals, and they require different strategies, not to mention executives with different skillsets — a skillset that, Ms. Whitman, I’d guess you haven’t the foggiest idea about, despite the visually impressive PowerPoint presentation your public-relations vassals have assembled. It would be insane for voters to foist you into office after the shenanigans of that diminutive orange guy you’d be replacing.

Besides, you’d be violating a fundamental maxim of government: You elect a Republican when there’s a surplus to be plundered and a treasury to be given away. When the Republicans are done with their forced sans-lubrication rumpy-pumpy of government, and everything’s lying in tatters or smoking ruins, then you bring in a good Democrat to fix the broken government, so that the whole cycle can begin again, once the balance has been restored.

Not that anyone asked me, but I plan on voting for Jerry Brown. —Jackson Griffith


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