Okay, that’s it, you goddamn wingnut morons
File under: You’ve got to be fucking kidding. What’s up with these butthurt conservatives tantruming all over Washington? And why are we continuing to put up with this bullshit? Seriously. It’s like watching your sister’s spoiled teenagers losing their fudge because they didn’t get everything they wanted for Christmas or something, and it’s three months later and they’re still making everyone else’s lives miserable. Every day.
So why do we put up with this childish bullshit? Is it because we’re too meek to stand up and say, look, fucksticks, you and Team Jeebus lost the goddamn election in 2008 because your side looted the treasury and started a couple of wars and gave tax cuts to billionaires and did a bunch of other crazy reactionary shit for eight long years, and we think you should go to the back of the room now, sit down, shut the fuck up and give us adults a chance to try and fix everything that you imbeciles broke or otherwise fucked up, and please don’t give us any of your lip because if we wanted any more shit from you we’d squeeze your heads. So shut the fuck up.
I mean, what the hell? Showing up in Washington with signs with pictures of guns on them, threatening assassination to people who won’t kowtow to their bullying horseshit act? Hurling vile racist and anti-gay epithets at elected officials in Congress that they don’t agree with?
This shit has gone way too far for way too long. So, President Obama, here’s what I propose, beginning by appointing a czar of dealing with rampant stupidity. If no one else wants it, I could use the job. And here’s what I will do:
First, I will round up every last one of these cretins and microchip them like dogs, and I will tattoo a giant “666” on their foreheads for good measure. Then, they will be anesthetized like drunken bears, gathered 40 or 50 to a net, and Chinooked across the Atlantic to some godforsaken spot in the Sahara or the Arabian Peninsula, which shall henceforth be known as “Dumbfuckistan,” surrounded by detectors that will be set off by their microchips if they try to leave, and trained Cossacks or Mongol horsemen will round them up and kindly return them to the reservation.
Second, their propaganda network must be broken, so Rupert Murdoch’s citizenship will be revoked and he will be deported to this Dumbfuckistan region, too, to preside over a special city, Butthurtograd, a Dubai-like paradisical enclave for the wealthy that will serve as home for Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, the Savage Weiner, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin and tons of wealthy Republican donors that enable this wingnut tantrumic bullshit, along with the Republican politicians that direct this crap, including they guys running the GOP, along with George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Karl Rove, plus Joe Lieberman, Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin.
To ensure that things will remain reasonably copacetic, a resort employing a large number of adolescent boys from Thailand and other locales in Southeast Asia will be set up to service the wingnuts, and a dispensary featuring all of Big Pharma’s greatest opioid hits — Vicodin, Norco, OxyContin and more — will be up and running around the clock; don’t want any celebrity junkies jonesing and unhinging on the radio or TV, do we?
Team Murdoch will be allowed to broadcast their mind-numbing and soul-killing filth on a special Dumbfuckistan radio and TV channel, only available within the parameters of the reservation. Outside of the Butthurtograd resort for the have-mores, the peons will live in relative misery, subsisting on Carl’s Jr.-catered strokeburgers and other fast-food toxins, with medical care provided by the same insurance and other corporate jackals who have fucked up medical care in America since the so-called Reagan “revolution.” Crayons and poster paper and other large placards will be provided for the residents of outer Dumbfuckistan to vent their spleens at “libruls” and “Comrade Obama” and other “enemies” of conservative, um, thought.
Finally, the United Nations will station troops around the parameters of Dumfuckistan and Butthurtograd to keep the stupidity contained. It will be in the interest of the rest of the world to keep these idiots isolated from the rest of the global population. We don’t deserve their virulent swill. But no matter how bad we don’t deserve their stupidity, it should be pointed out that I am in no way advocating violence; the new citizens of Dumbfuckistan and Butthurtograd will be treated humanely and even kindly, but contained and kept from infecting the rest of the world with their tantrums anymore.
Okay, you say. That’s a little butthurt rant from you, Mister Griffith, and you’re no better than the clowns you would imprison. Well, yeah. I’m just tired of this crazytown bullshit, and it hurts to see and hear it continue, and sooner or later one of these boneheads will shoot some innocent people or blow up another office building, and people in Murdoch’s employ will continue to ramble about “patriots’ blood watering the tree of liberty” and other fucking malarkey when it should be called for what it is: terrorism, plain and simple.
And maybe it’s because, yes, I am a little wounded, and if I’d had some dinner companions or even a little bit of physical affection to offset this stupid butthurt-on-birthday issue that comes up every year like an old scab over a sore that doesn’t seen to want to heal, then I might not be spouting off like this; I’d be going, oh, the conservatives are riled up? So what else is new? Water is wet? Oh, scratch behind that other ear, honey, and your fingers sure feel nice in my hair now. Mmmmm. Thanks! Can daddy have a big kiss, too?
But no. So yeah, I guess I have issues; they come up every year. It’s idiotic, really, I got more love this year courtesy of Facebook and elsewhere that I should be walking on air. But that’s the funny thing about issues: they’re not rational. And starting at sunup on March 22, I’ll swallow my pride and get on with my reasonably okay and occasionally miserable existence for another year, trudging forward, hoping things get better. And they will. Especially if I stop being such a self-centered little twit and just give of myself to other people.
The difference is, my childish bullshit is over with, right away. It lasts for like one day. This conservative butthurtapalooza just keeps going on and on and on. And I really wish it would fucking stop already. How about you? Aren’t you tired of this bullshit? —Jackson Griffith