The Random Griffith

Bedbugs are not only weird, but they have weird sex lives

Posted in some bugs are not cool by Jackson Griffith on 05/07/2010

Sleep tight, and don’t let the bedbugs bite. Remember that one? I always figured it was some bogus bug meme foisted by mom and dad to keep me slightly off guard, not something real or anything, just another tool to control the young lad who’d rather stay up watching bad television than slide off to sleep.

But it turns out that either bedbugs are real, or else the pest management industry is concocting some effective anti-bedbug propaganda. I’m inclined to believe the former, as in, yes, not only do the bedbugs bite, but they’ll take over an Abercrombie & Fitch or Hollister store in New York City if you let them.

But the capper is their sex lives, in which something called traumatic insemination is practiced. Humans could never get away with this kind of stuff, not that anyone outside of a real sicko would get off on just poking a hole in the abdomen of his intended partner with, well, you’d have to sharpen it and stuff for it to work, because your average Little Elvis, even rigidly tumescent, lacks the blade-like sharpness required to do the job. But that’s what bedbugs do, and apparently they have a real problem with randy bugs poking holes in males, too.

Dunno about you, but the whole idea of traumatic insemination just squicked me out. Probably because my idea of a good horizontal time comes more from the Barry White or Marvin Gaye playbooks than this entomological nightmare, of which I’ve never heard described in the soul-music canon. —Jackson Griffith

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