“I defecate on a dream”

Glenn Beck is an asshole. There. I’ve said it, and I’m not going to mince any words. Because any hot-button talk radio opportunist of the Caucasian variety who stages a “Restoring Honor,” i.e. a “Taking Back America,” rally on the very steps of the Lincoln Memorial where Dr. Martin Luther King delivered his epochal “I Have a Dream” speech on August 28, 1963, and on the anniversary of Dr. King’s speech, and who compounds this middle-finger salute to a large swath of America, not just people of color but white people too, by inviting the quitter and fellow opportunist loudmouth Sarah Palin to also deliver a speech, is a hemorrhoidal, pus-infested butthole of the lowest order.

Restoring honor? Taking back America? From what? From the people who elected Barack Obama, a mixed-race man, to the presidency, after a dubiously installed nitwit from Connecticut, by way of Texas, and his gang of “awl-bidness” thieves and buffoons spent eight long years driving America into a ditch, bankrupting the national treasury, giving away the storehouse to what he once called the “have-mores” at some GOP black-tie jackoff fundraiser, then started not one but two wars, installed a host of idiots and incompetents at various levels of bureaucratic power, pissed all over the environment, shredded the Constitution and ignored the dire economic and environmental warnings that anyone, even a grade-school student, could see looming on the horizon?

And what are you “restoring,” Glenn? What are you taking back? Are you restoring that time when certain citizens had to use separate washrooms and drinking fountains, and ride in the backs of buses? Is that your idea of “honor”? And what are you taking back? The power to call the shots, because you and your bunch of rabid beatweeny neo-Stalinist fellow travelers are still so butthurt that John McCain fucked up by putting the incompetent Sarah Palin, the Paris Hilton of politics, on the ticket, and then they lost to a black man? McCain probably would have lost anyway, because your boy George W. Bush fucked everything up so badly that he made something possible that was previously unimaginable in this country of tired old wealthy white men running everything: He got a black man elected.

But you idiots are so ridiculously bent out of shape that you have to give us all a big “fuck you” by throwing a bunch of tantrums culminating in this stupid little prank. You can’t accept that there are people in this country who are hunkering down and trying to fix all the messes that Monkeyboy and his corrupt family and all their kleptocratic Republican pals did to this country. We’re picking up the garbage, trying to turn the ship around, attempting to figure out how to repair what has been damaged so horribly, and you have the motherfucking audacity to throw a big rally on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial on the very day that Dr. King delivered his speech. And then, when you get called on it, you roll your eyes and come up with the worst dog ate my homework, the check’s in the mail and I won’t ejaculate in your mouth bunch of excuses I’ve ever heard. “Oh, we wanted to do it on September 12, but we couldn’t, and this was the only other date we had available, and, gosh, we had no idea that August 28 was the day that Dr. Martin Luther King gave that ‘I Have a Dream’ speech at the very place, the Lincoln Memorial, where we were planning to do our little Tea Party rally. Honest!”

Dude, fuck you. Fuck you with every dog, hog and bull dick in this great country of ours. Fuck you in the face with rooster jackoff, you weaselly piece of slime Glenn Beck. Seriously. You insult our intelligence with your mere presence. First, because your entire act is based on a dungheap of fact-free blatherings that anyone with an even remote idea of how Occam’s razor functions can see are the ravings of someone who took a big long drink from the poisonous fountain of conspiracy theories and kept right on drinking, even well after the brown acid kicked in. Why? Because there’s money in them thar snake-oil wells, podna. Phineas T. Barnum was right, and your cranked-up act proves that old carny more right, every goddamn day. People are stupid. Or at least the poor, desperate people who bite into your lodestone of buncombe are, who buy into your brand of dogwhistle racist claptrap.

Second, because you’re just another willing tool of Australian media terrorist Rupert Murdoch, a man who’s done more damage to this country than 100 teams of September 11 Saudi-Egyptian terrorists hijacking jet airliners and flying them into skyscrapers ever could. You signed on as another mouthpiece of the Fox propaganda machine, but you’d whored yourself out well before that. I used to have long conversations with my former father-in-law, who was a talking head on the same network that employed you before you went over to the dark side, and he would shake his head because he just didn’t have enough greed and he had too much personal integrity to sell out and shill for the Republican Party and the anti-democratic tools who bankroll it. The offers were certainly on the table. You, however, have tons of greed and zero integrity, so you’re a very good fit. Congratulations, pendejo.

And third, well, I’ve known a lot of Mormons over the years, good and intelligent people who were born into the LDS church. If they’re honest, they come correct on some of the thorny problems left behind by the church’s earliest prophets, Joseph Smith and Brigham Young, which have been proved wrong by subsequent investigation and scientific knowledge, e.g. the so-called “Book of Abraham,” which purportedly sourced good-ol’ redneck white supremacy to so-called divine origin, and they’re embarrassed by some of the foibles in their church’s early history. You, however, converted to Mormonism on your own free will. And not only that; then you embraced the ravings of the virulently right-wing racist Mormon writer W. Cleon Skousen, and you’ve used Skousen’s discredited “teachings” as a basis for some of your own discourses to the damned. You’ve foisted Skousen’s ideas back into the mainstream, not-so-cleverly repackaged as the latest wrinkle of patriotic fertilizer. Way to go.

So, Glenn, how many different ways can I say “fuck you” to you? And don’t get me started on Sarah Palin, someone who couldn’t handle her job as governor of a state with half the population of Sacramento County, California, so she quit that elected office midway through her first term in order to rake in the bucks while the getting’s good. By now, it should be quite apparent that Palin and her entire family, or at least the ones who have gone public, are a gaggle of low-born grifters. So what was she doing up there on the dais with you today?

Beck, you owe America an apology. I don’t expect you to give it. So, again, fuck you. —Jackson Griffith

p.s. Watch this, and you might figure out why some of us are so pissed off at you. And you might learn something.